Questions to Ask Yourself to Get to Know Yourself Again

These are questions to ask yourself when you have stopped being sure what you like, want, or would miss. They do not ask who you are. They ask what you reach for, avoid, miss, defend, and would keep, because that is where a person actually shows up. Forty questions, five groups. One a day is plenty.

Print or save as PDF

"Getting to know yourself again" sounds like a large project with a reading list. "Who am I" is a question with no good Tuesday answer. The questions below are smaller than that. "What do you reach for first when you get home" has an answer, and the answer tells you something true. Forty of those, and you have a portrait, drawn from the side, by someone who was paying attention. The someone is you.

This page belongs to the Desire theme of YOUR YEAR, whose whole idea fits in five words: let a preference count. Most of these questions are about preferences you already act on and have stopped noticing.

How to use these questions

• One at a time. Pick a group, then pick one question. Forty in a sitting is a quiz, not a practice.
• Write one sentence, not a paragraph. A fact, with a detail in it. "The couch, and my phone, and I do not remember the first ten minutes" is a better answer than "I relax."
• No scoring. Nothing here is a good or bad answer. Reaching for the fridge is information, not a verdict.
• It is fine to skip. A question that does not apply gets a line through it. A question that lands too hard today gets a dog-ear and a "later."

What you reach for

What you reach for without deciding to is the most honest part of a day. It is older than your plans and does not care about them. These questions ask what your hands do.

1. What do you reach for first when you get home: the phone, the fridge, the couch, the dog?
2. Which app do you open without deciding to, and what are you usually hoping to find there?
3. When you have an unplanned free hour, what do you actually do with it, not what you say you would?
4. Which person do you text when something goes well, and which person when something goes wrong?
5. What do you buy when you are tired that you would not buy when you are rested?
6. Which song, show, or book have you gone back to more than three times, and what does it give you each time?
7. What do you say to fill a silence, and whose silence makes you say it?
8. On a bad day, what do you reach for that helps for ten minutes and costs you later?

What you avoid

Avoidance is a preference, too. It is a map of what feels expensive. These questions do not ask you to stop avoiding anything. They ask you to notice the shape of the detour.

9. Which message in your phone has been unanswered the longest, and what would answering it cost you?
10. What room, drawer, or folder do you not open, and when did you stop opening it?
11. Which invitation do you keep "meaning to" accept?
12. What conversation have you rehearsed in the shower and never had?
13. Which task takes ten minutes and has been on your list for a month?
14. Who do you avoid being alone in a room with, and what do you think they would ask?
15. Which part of your own history do you skip when you tell someone new about yourself?
16. What do you avoid by staying busy on Sunday afternoons?

What you miss

What you miss is a preference that got outvoted, usually by a schedule. It is often the fastest way back to someone you used to be, because the missing is still there, under the week.

17. What did you do at 19 or 25 that you have not done in years, and what did it feel like in your hands?
18. Which friend do you think about when a certain song comes on, and when did you last call them?
19. What used to be on your Saturday mornings before it got replaced?
20. Which part of a former job, even a bad one, do you still miss?
21. What food, smell, or street brings back a version of you that you liked?
22. What did you used to argue about with real enthusiasm that you have gone quiet on?
23. What did you stop doing when you moved, had kids, got promoted, or got sick, and never picked back up?
24. Which object did you give away or lose that you still think about?

What you defend

You defend what matters to you, often before you know it matters. The defensiveness arrives first and the reason later. These questions go looking for the reason.

25. What is the last thing you got defensive about, and which sentence set it off?
26. Which of your habits do you explain before anyone has criticized it?
27. What do you spend money on that you hide from someone, or round down when asked?
28. Which decision from the last five years do you still argue for in your head?
29. What do you keep doing that your partner, parent, or friend has asked you to stop?
30. What are you proud of that you would never post or mention at dinner?
31. Which opinion of yours has survived three different people trying to talk you out of it?
32. What do you say "it's fine" about that is not fine?

In the groups I facilitate, question 30 produces the longest pause and the best answers. Most people have something. Most people have never said it out loud.

What you would keep

The last group is about what stays. Not what you would change, which is what most self-knowledge questions ask, but what you would carry out of the building. It is the quietest of the five groups and, for many people, the one that says the most.

33. If you had to move next month with two boxes, what goes in them, and what is quietly a relief to leave?
34. Which person in your week would you keep exactly as they are?
35. What part of your morning would you keep if you lost the rest of your routine?
36. Which of your own sentences, the ones you say often, would you want your kids or friends to remember?
37. What have you done the same way for ten years and still like doing?
38. Which room in your home feels most like you, and what is in it?
39. What did you do this week that you would do again tomorrow for no reason?
40. If nothing in your life changed for the next year, what would you be glad still stood?

If you only have five minutes

Take these three, one sentence each. They are from three different groups on purpose.

• What do you reach for first when you get home? (question 1)
• Which message in your phone has been unanswered the longest, and what would answering it cost you? (question 9)
• Which room in your home feels most like you, and what is in it? (question 38)

Read the three answers together. They were written by the same person. That is the person you are getting to know.

A small practice to go with them

Yesterday, from the side. Five minutes. A pen and any paper. It uses yesterday because yesterday is finished and cannot be improved.

1. Minute 1. Write yesterday's date. List what you reached for at three points: when you woke up, when you got home, and at 10 p.m. Three lines.
2. Minutes 2 and 3. Add one thing you avoided yesterday and one thing you defended, even silently. Two more lines.
3. Minute 4. Read the five lines as if they belonged to someone you met last week. Not kindly, not harshly. Just as facts about a person.
4. Minute 5. Write one sentence that begins "This person seems to like" or "This person seems to need." Then close the notebook.

What to notice: whether the sentence in step 4 surprised you. It often does, and the surprise is usually in the "need" half, not the "like" half.

Here is a composite example, drawn from many conversations and changed enough that it is no one in particular. A man in his late forties, recently promoted, did the practice on a Wednesday. His three "reached for" lines were the phone, the phone, and the phone. His avoided line was a voicemail from his brother. His defended line was "why I did not go to the gym," which no one had asked about. His step 4 sentence was "This person seems to need twenty minutes nobody is allowed to have." He said it was the first thing he had learned about himself in a year that he could do something about.

You can stop here. No new goal, no purchase, no sharing required.

When this is not enough

Not knowing what you like anymore is common, and most of the time it is a sign that a role or a schedule has been louder than you for a while. If the not-knowing has come with a flatness that does not lift, if nothing on this page gets even a small "oh, that," that is worth noticing too. There is a page on this site about not feeling like yourself anymore that may fit better than a list of questions. And if this sounds like depression to you, that is worth a conversation with a professional.

This is a reflection practice, not medical care or therapy. If things have been heavy for weeks, please talk with a doctor or a licensed therapist. In the US, you can call or text 988 at any time.

Questions people ask

What questions can I ask myself to get to know myself?

Ask about behavior, not identity. What you reach for when you get home, which message you have left unanswered the longest, what you miss from your twenties, what you got defensive about last week, and what you would keep if you had to move with two boxes. Questions like these have answers you can write down in a sentence, and forty sentences add up to more than one big answer ever would.

How do I get to know myself again after losing myself?

Slowly, and from the side. Losing yourself usually means a role, a relationship, or a long stretch of survival has been making your choices for you. You do not get yourself back by deciding who you are. You get yourself back by noticing what you already prefer, one small preference at a time, and letting it count. One question a day for a month is a reasonable pace. Faster is not better here.

Why don't I know what I like anymore?

Usually because liking has not been asked for in a while. When every day is shaped by what is needed, preferences stop getting practice, and after a few years they go quiet. That is not the same as being gone. Most people find a small preference (a route home, a song, a chair) is still there within a week of looking. If the quiet is deeper and comes with a flatness that does not lift, see the section above.

Getting to know yourself again does not start with who you are. It starts with what you reach for, avoid, miss, defend, and would keep, in a specific week, in a specific kitchen. Forty concrete questions, one sentence each, one a day. The answers are already there. The questions just give you a reason to look at them.

Take these with you

Want these as a printable PDF? Join the free reflection emails and we'll send it as soon as the list opens.

Start with what is on your mind. The Energy Map asks five short questions and gives you a personal reflection and one small practice. Free, no email, no account. Try the Energy Map. This month's theme: Desire: Let a Preference Count.

Anna Smirnova is the author and facilitator of YOUR YEAR at Wonder Bend: twelve monthly themes, written reflections, small practices, and group reflection sessions. About Anna. Published 2026-10-18. Updated 2026-10-18.